My friend, my friend, the summer is almost over. I know that you have made many mistakes…wait! Don’t walk away. How do I know? I can tell because you are young and handsome, and you are a man. You have that swagger and that confidence of human men that are careless with human hearts…yes, you have made mistakes, but next summer you can improve. You do not realize the danger to yourself! Not to your heart, but to your head. That is why I have this friendly (albeit unsolicited) advice for you. Here, put me on your shoulder, you can walk and I will whisper in your ear.
If you don’t want a girl to fall in love with you (you do not, although you think you do), do not smile at her when you introduce yourself. Do not laugh at her silly jokes, do not patiently say, “And what happened next?” when she tells you a story. Do not watch her fondly when she plays with a jumping spider. Do not be gentle or kind.
When there are others of your kind around, do not show off before her, do not compete with others for her attention. Do not show concern when she is ill. For heaven’s sake, don’t go to find her when she is lost! Don’t wait for her when she has fallen behind. Don’t offer her your hand when she stumbles.
If you do not wish her to fall in love with you, whatever you do, don’t murmur “beautiful” when she brushes out her long hair, not even under your breath.
Stop that! I am not finished. Don’t make me bite your hand.
Do not read stories to her. Do not point out things as you walk along the street together. Do not sit under the stars with her. Do not play the guitar and sing until morning. It is very dangerous for you to be talented and strong.
Do not compliment her. She will learn to hang on your every word, and wait with baited breath for your approbation. Now do not be cold…It is too late for you, you are lost! She will want to fix her mistake, to restore what she can sense she has lost: your humor, your witty quips.
For when the summer is over, and you have forgotten her name, who is to blame if she pines for you? Is it her fault, her caramel hair, her shy smile, her sudden laugh? Was she too easy to impress, too quick to admire?
In short, do not be kind. Do not be handsome. Do not be witty, or clever, or charming. For, long after you have gone, she will call out your name, and her heart will be broken. Then she will envy the female of my species, who has many suitors, and judges them not by the caliber of their smile, but on the crunch and flavor of their flesh.